I wanted to welcome you to this site.
What Color Is The Sky In Your World is a place where I’ll be sharing my story of growing up with an undiagnosed mentally ill dad.
When I was in third grade they showed us a video about an alcoholic parent at home. I hid my tears from my classmates and teacher, not because I had that(well, it turns out we was an alcoholic and addicted to various drugs at times) but because I didn’t know what was going on at my home. I only knew that home was extremely tense when my dad was around.
I knew how to behave to avoid changing his mood but really I couldn’t.
I grew up just feeling like I was not good enough, and I kept causing him to react. There was no physical or sexual abuse. So why did I feel so awful.
It wasn’t until my early 30’s as a young mom, a shrink finally told me he thought my dad my have narcissistic personality disorder and that I could probably never change him. I learned that this mental illness renders people incapable of empathy and love for others. It took a few more years to finally convince my mom, brother and husband of this, to which they all now know and believe.
I tried everything to make my dad love me and I tried everything to try and save him.
I tried to be a good girl. I tried to call him, I tried to talk to him, I wanted a relationship. I tried to convince him to go to rehab before he lost his job. I tried to get him to go into a mental/health facility upon which I had a bed reserved. Ultimately, he said no to it all.
I finally said no to him, at the age of 37, a week shy of my 38th birthday and cut him out of my life.
For a girl/woman who was taught to listen, sit up straight and be good this took far too long to get to this decision.
It’s been the best decision. No regrets. The second I did it, I knew and felt in my soul it was right and that I should have done it sooner.
Mental illness is confusing.
There are no physical marks.
You keep going outside and people keep telling you the sky is blue and then you go home and the person who has ultimate authority over you during your childhood, smirks and dismisses you with laughter and tells you the sky is other colors.
This is my story and I hope it helps you.
